Taxi Cab Confessions

It all came into focus for me. And the clarity started by talking with cab drivers this past week. See, I have always been able to relate better to the staff of a place more than other patrons. Something about how we are both suffering at the same moment, and we can both recognize it in each other, be it in unique ways. Theirs is related to having to be at work. Mine is seeing that forced interaction (workplace, cab rides, camp, road trips, etc….) is really my comfort zone. I don’t do well on the open sea that is the social life. What is that you say? There are no other patrons when you take a cab ride? True. Details, details….

Recently I took a trip for work up to Anchorage and Fairbanks for work. The day before this trip I just returned from another trip; my Dad’s 60^th in St. Louis. I’m glad the ole man made it. It has been a little touch and go, what with 7 documented heart attacks, a quad bypass, stints, angioplasty, high blood pressure, and obesity. With the help of modern medicine, he is the first male member of my family to reach 60. Sad. Both of my grandfathers, who survived the war, did not survive once they got back home. Maybe they didn’t know if you drink hard and fast enough, you blow right past your liver and shred your pancreas instead. Well, they do now. (Just the one took the fast track, the other, he went the regular liver route)

Anyway, back to the revelation. All three cabbies I talked to really loved to drive. I could see they were genuinely happy in their chosen lives. And I could see that was all that mattered. To find that something inside you that gives you infinite peace because you are whole in the acceptance of that choice. That must be what love is. And I think once achieved, the world is yours. This is easy to understand, but hard to get to if not already there. Know what I mean?

I have had very few moments in my life without insecurity. And it is a battle for me. But it has happened. As recently as last night. It was a perfect night with friends seeing Wilco. As intense as my depression can be, my moments of happiness and joy can be just as blinding. And last night I was blind. And it is happening with more and more frequency. Like the Beastie Boys say, “You got to fight, for your right, to party.” Everyday is a struggle. But I am in it to win it.

I asked one well traveled cabbie, what place (among the many he was listing) was his favorite? He said, “Right here in Anchorage. Because things don’t change. I like it that way. I don’t really like it here, but I like that things don’t change. When I want to have fun, I go to Seattle. But this is what I want”. It wasn’t like Seattle was a vacation syndrome for him. He had lived there. He said. “That was a life of fun. Now, I want a life of peace.” This blew my mind for some reason. It was the tying of many loose ends all at once. How was he able to separate something that he truly enjoyed from something he truly loved? And not question it? To have no self doubt? I closed my eyes. Here is what happened right after that:

In my mind I have a stagnant scene. When I think about someone, almost anyone, the same scene always pops up in my mind. Been that way for as long as I can remember.

On one side, a vast plateau, stretching out in the distance infinitely. On the other side the same. And in the middle, there is a canyon. It isn’t very deep, and not very wide. It stays that way until I think of a person, and as soon as I do, ropes across the canyon shoot out and tie to each side. The thicker the ropes, the stronger the tie to the person I am thinking of. When things like bad breakups come, I mentally cut the ropes. I know it sounds hokey, but it works for me.

The interesting thing is what happens when I cut the ropes. Sometimes they come back right away, seemingly beyond my control. Sometimes they get weaker and weaker every time I cut them, others not. Sometimes they go away for good. And for others I can not even generate ropes.

So I decided to think about this semi-epiphany I had. I wondered if I could switch from thinking about people, and think about self-realization. As soon as I did that, something changed. The canyon in the middle has always been dry. Always. I wondered why. Then I felt this surge come over me. I literally felt it. Water started coming, flooding the dry void. Then I wondered, where is this water going? And I followed it. My scene was no longer static. It was fluid. The water, or river I guess, broke out into the sea, filling me with energy. I looked back from where I came, and noticed how narrow my view had been.

How long have I been living only inside of myself? Missing everything around me due to the cloud of delusion that fills my mind. The constant debate inside my head. What I found I need, what I must have, is transparency. I must live with a quiet mind to truly appreciate what is around me. I am always trying force other peoples view of life and love into my own equation. It is a vicious cycle that has no solution. I am working towards acceptance. I am moving closer to love.

May the winds lift you up into the sky above,

Where you’d be treated to a view of everything you love.

And if the moment passes you should try it once again,

For if you do it right, you’ll find, the moment never ends...